St Austell 6 Foxhole 0

[Darin Morse]

St Austell 6 Foxhole 0

Saturday 26th December 2009

The jokes in Christmas crackers have long since been regarded as pathetic. (You know the sort: What do you get if you cross Quasimodo with a Toyota? The Hatchback of Notre Dame). However, it seems they've now become topical. Yesterday mine read: What do you get if you cross the Foxhole half-way line with a ball? A goal. This was cruelly apt, as the Foxes conceded at least six goals in a match for the fourth successive completed game, and the sixth time in nine consecutive defeats, as the festive season again failed to live up to the hype.

I've never really liked Christmas anyway - all that false goodwill, religious hypocrisy, rubbish television (although my favourite film is Coincidence on 34th Street). Perhaps Santa Claus had it right - visiting people once a year. I had to get away though as it had been a really bad week. My girlfriend had been knocked over by a taxi, and then I'd lost my job - as a taxi driver. So I spent Friday at a bungalow in Truro with my Aunt Sheila, who had brought me up from the age of four. (My parents had never wanted me - in my infant years they played me tapes of celebrities asking me to go into a coma). Even the journey down had been eventful. I was stopped by a policeman as I had a flat tyre. Fortunately I had a foot pump in the boot, so I hit him with that. Aunty is a bit strange to be honest, dragging me along to Mass on Christmas morning. I asked her why the priest was wearing a Batman outfit - she told me it was a blessing in disguise. Then we drove to her friend John, who fancied himself as a tarot reader. She asked him what the cards said. He replied, "To Sheila, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year from Donald and Ruth." When we eventually returned to the house and knowing my appetite is huge, Aunty cooked roast horse again this year, but I had to leave most of it as it was a candle-lit dinner and therefore undercooked and, anyway, I wasn't as hungry as I thought I was.

Having had a few drinks, I decided to travel to St Austell for the match by rail. Being Boxing Day, it was eerily quiet waiting in the early morning sunshine at Truro station and then, faced with a huge array of empty seats on the train, I chose one opposite the only other person in my carriage. She was an absolutely stunning blonde, who smiled sweetly at me as I sat transfixed. Feeling guilty at my impure thoughts bizarrely reminded me of the time as a teenager when I was working in a restaurant and had got my hand caught in the dishwasher, and we had both been sacked. But this girl was something else. I half-recognised her and asked her if we had met before.

"Possibly", she said. "I'm the receptionist at the clinic".

She was reading a book on marriage statistics. "It's a really interesting book", she explained. "Apparently the most romantic people in the world are the Irish and the Dutch. By the way, what's your name?"

"Paddy van Nistelrooy", I said, unconvincingly. Ah...beautiful Babs….. You know, I never did find out her name.

Half an hour later the conductor threw me off the train for having a first class ride on a second class ticket.

With an hour to kill before kick off, I wandered into town, before marvelling at the new shopping centre, which definitely looks like money well spent. Regrettably, virtually nothing was open so the streets were largely deserted, except for a large group of strange-looking locals ambling past the Post Office. Their general demeanour caused me to mentally re-evaluate the theory of evolution, one of them resembling something a police frogman may drag up from the bottom of a river chained to a boulder. I thought the area certainly seems like a close-knit community as I recalled reading somewhere that, despite having a population of twenty-five thousand, St Austell's phone-book only contains six different surnames.

There was no sign of the annihilation to come during an evenly fought first half. Crapp was very lucky his dreadful challenge on Bird early on was only punished with a caution, and Carpenter soon followed him into the book for a foul on Tinsley as the tackles flew in with exhilarating regularity. Rowe had the beating of Parsons in the air while Foxhole's outnumbered midfield enthusiastically out-fought the much-vaunted, but lightweight, home quintet, but goalmouth excitement was at a premium, although Tinsley fired an effort wide from the edge of the box. However, shortly after Pinhammer had received a yellow card from the fussy referee for dissent, Holland saved well from Phillips' firm header before Nicholls' clever skill released Rowe, whose first touch took him too wide. Alas, this was to be the Foxes' best opportunity and, two minutes from the break they fell behind. Mr Murphy failed to spot an obvious foul on Holland by Phillips, and Bromley rifled in the loose ball, his shot cruelly deflecting off a defender. Hazeldine almost equalised immediately, his thunderous drive from miles out being tipped over by Stone, but you got the feeling things could only get worse when Rowe was also cautioned for a word out of turn.

And so it proved as Foxhole fell apart in the second-half, just as they had during their last visit to Poltair at Easter. On 56, Bromley ran sixty yards unchallenged before belting home the second and, thirteen minutes later, and moments after Nicholls had been unable to convert a half-chance, Tinsley's daisy-cutter was parried and Body was quickest to the rebound to seal the points. Within seconds, Mulready made it four-nil from the spot after Carpenter upended Tinsley; with nineteen minutes still remaining there was an uncomfortable prospect of a real drubbing but St Austell contented themselves with just two more goals in stoppage time. Body forced home at the second attempt from a cross by Butler, whose next centre was mis-hit by Parsons, the ball bobbling agonisingly past a wrong-footed Holland. By now Foxhole were all over the shop and there was yet time for Holland's name to be taken for catching Body, joining Phillips in the book, earlier cautioned for a foul on Adam Holland.

Foxhole (4-4-2): Ryan Holland; Nick Carpenter (sub. Richard Faircloth), Dexter Lawrence (sub. Bobbylee Johns), Adam Holland, Daniel Meens; CJ Bird, Ross Pinhammer (sub. Chris Grose), Scott Ansell, Lee Hazeldine; Mark Rowe, Liam Nicholls.

St Austell (3-5-2): Kai Stone; Matt Parsons, Martin Giles, Damon Mulready; Richard Crapp (sub. Bradley Ralph), Will Tinsley, Gary Wheildon, Adam Bromley, Ollie Brokenshire (sub. Andrew Butler); Michael Body, Chris Phillips (sub. Liam Dingle).

Referee: Mr Paul Murphy (Truro).

[goosefish]

thats possibly the funniest posting i have ever read lol morsey keep it coming brilliant,10/10,personally thought on the game tho that st awfuls linos a cheat n foxhole were unlucky wiv some of their chances!!!!

[CrApPy]

Quality match report - however I got the ball (and shouldn't of been booked) and I notched the first goal!! And also goosefish CHEAT is a very strong word :)

[truros mr mourinho]

Quality match report - however I got the ball (and shouldn't of been booked) and I notched the first goal!! And also goosefish CHEAT is a very strong word

happy new yr mate,glad to see u still know were that net is,and most home linesmen dont cheat,they just favour there team bye 90%, :clapper:

[Sir Alex]

Morsey my son, Carlsberg dont do match reports, but if they did they would be nowhere hear as good as this!!!

On yesterdays game, in my opinion, the ref was a little 'overzealous' in dishing out yellow cards and missed a fair few that deserved yellows (the forearm smash on Will Tinsley in the 2nd half I think it was). The home lino at best could be described as 'dubious', his obsession with insulting the crowd not an excuse for some of the blatantly incorrect decisions. However, in no way did this affect the outcome of the game, Foxhole were outclassed, Boaty was left isolated up top and the middle of the park was as good as non existent. But for decent defensive perfomances from Meens and A Holland it could have been a lot worse.

[Dave Deacon]

I can however categorically confirm that he is a cheating . Yes i agree that cheat is a very strong word, but will stand by my opinion based on what i have personaly observed.

I think the accusation should be confirmed with exact situations, otherwise it's a bit harsh in keeping the suggestion on the Forum.

[goosefish]

I can however categorically confirm that he is a cheating . Yes i agree that cheat is a very strong word, but will stand by my opinion based on what i have personaly observed.

I think the accusation should be confirmed with exact situations, otherwise it's a bit harsh in keeping the suggestion on the Forum.

Just my opinion on the linesman,no doubt several others have the same opinion or will have wen they come across him,not content wiv abusing the spectators he has been known to abuse his own players ha ha ha

STILL id probably b the same if i was a linesman,lol!!!! :drink: